Bug

Originally uploaded by The Toze

It’s difficult to get mail in Kuwait, but occasionally something gets through. Of course not the five packages people have sent.

A letter from my mother recently got through and it contained this picture, except larger and in black and white in the margin was written, “If you don’t start responding to my e-mails better, this is going on the internet.”

(Quit laughing Tami!)

Now those of you who know me, know that my mother probably had a good reason to send this to me. Those of you who don’t know me I assure you I deserved it. My mother has been trying to help me sort out some financial issues related to the move and the fact that my mail was sent to Thailand and lost for two months. She would send me e-mails with specific questions and I guess I wasn’t answering all of them. She says I pick and chooses which ones to answer, now I could have sworn I was answering her questions, but you know how communication is between parental units and children.

Anyway, Mom, I’ll try and do a better job. In the meantime for your viewing pleasure . . .

Brithday Flowers

Originally uploaded by The Toze

On April 22, 2008 I turned 40. I received flowers (pictured here) from my parental units and my brother. My Mom sent me a card and my bro even sent me a card.

Thanks to everyone who sent me e-cards, Tami and Lissa and all my friends who e-mailed me on the BIG 40. So what have I learned in 40 years of life?

Not enough, not nearly enough:

1. The most important thing in life is our relationships with other people.

2. Good friends are hard to find.

3. The older I get the more important it is to keep in contact with people who knew me when I was young.

4. No matter how old I get I’ll still be doing dumb things. My Mom’s best friend Layle told me that when I was around 36.

5. The best thing about not having boobs is that there is less to sag when you get older.

6. Now that I older I fit in better, because there are more people who limp.

7. No matter how old I get my mother still acts like my mother and can make me feel like I’m seven years old again.

8. You can’t make people change, they have to want to change. You either have to accept people as they are or just not have a relationship with them.

9. It is never, ever wrong to tell the truth, sometimes imprudent, but never wrong.

10. On marriage, my Aunt Rink told me that it’s not so much in finding Mr. Right, it’s in avoiding all the ones that will make you miserable.

11. On marriage, my Uncle L.V. told me its just as easy to marry a rich man as it is to marry a poor man.

12. Never buy a condo in a five-plex with a nasty lawyer and a princess who can barely wipe her butt on her own.

13. My father told me that laughter takes the pain away.

14. Laughter does take the pain away, but not right after you’ve had hip surgery, then it just jars your hip and makes you need more pain medication.

15. Learning to walk is much easier the first time around.

16. You should always stick up for yourself.

17. Re: #16 but pick and choose your battles carefully.

18. My Uncle L.V. also told me “You can go to wall, but just remember sometimes you get shot at the wall.”

19. Coffee doesn’t really stunt your growth. I think I started drinking it when I was 14 and 5′10, I started drinking in hopes of stunting my growth, I got to be 6 feet in high school and gained my last inch in college.

20. Whoever said “Justice is swift,” was never in a court in this century.

21. My cousin Schelle taught me that it is always important to be a good guest. To help out and contribute.

22. Once you move out of your parents house you can really never go back.

23. Physically beautiful people can be really ugly and people who are not so physically attractive can be gorgeous.

24. People don’t really remember what you say, they remember how you made them feel.

25. You should take really good care of your teeth.

26. Your health is the most important thing you have and you should really take good care of that too.

27. Life is all about choices and no matter what happens you can always choose your attitude.

28. Who you are is way more important than what you are.

29. The most important thing anyone can do in life is raise children. And at the rate America’s going don’t worry if you don’t have any of your own, there are plenty out there that need someone raise them.

30. When we ended up with the bronze medal in Atlanta, I was sitting there looking disappointedly at my medal, when my teammate Mac came up put her hand on my shoulder and said, “It’s not the worst thing that’s happened to you after all you do play wheelchair basketball.”

31. Coach Hedrick told me that “If your early your on time, if your late, your late.

32. Coach Hedrick also said that “Winning and losing result from many things, some are internal and controllable, some are external and not controllable. The most important feature of competition is not the outcome, but the effort which precedes it. Where effort exists there is no failure, merely momentary setbacks.” Or something like that.

33. You really find out who your true friends are after you have surgery. I have a lot of really good, true friends.

34. There’s no place like home.

35. Sometimes no matter how old you are you still just want your Mommy.

36. Sitting in the shower is truly the best way to shower. I never would have learned that had I not become disabled.

37. You can choose your friends, but not your family. That being said family is where you make it and you can never have enough. Well, I almost have enough, but that’s because I’m a Tozer.

38. Even if you come up with a really great quote, eventually it will be attributed to someone else.

39. 40 isn’t as old as I thought it was when I was young.

40. Life is a learning experience and when you quit learning it’s over.

Thanks for all your birthday wishes. I love hearing from home and I will celebrate with you in September.

Baghdad 1

Originally uploaded by The Toze

I left Baghdad the next day on April 12. Got up, got dressed, had breakfast with Ashouk, a doctor from India who works with IMC. His family, wife and two children live in London.

We left early to get to the airport in time for our 11:00 p.m. flight. The drive to the airport was uneventful. As we entered the airport area we had to stop and our armed escort had to discharge their guns. They dumped all the bullets out and then depressed the trigger into a target that was on top of barrels filled with straw. After unloading and discharging we loaded up again and drove the last few miles to the airport. Our car was also searched on the way into the airport.

We arrived a ways from the entrance unloaded and made our way towards the entry. We were searched going into the airport also. Unlike other airports I’ve been at the road in front of the airport was very deserted, it lacked all the normal hustle and bustle of most airports. After clearing security we checked in with Air Serv which is a private air service.

At the passport checkpoint I was stopped. I had given the man my passport and my new Iraqi residency card from Kurdistan and he looked at them and then said something. Paul, who speaks Arabic asked what was wrong. The passport guy took my passport and residency card and went into the office. My eyes bulged as he came back out without my identification followed closely by a supervisor. They refused to stamp me out of Iraq and I was scheduled to fly to Suli, the plane would stop there unload three passengers and then I was supposed to go on to Jordan.

The Air Serv escort came out to see what the issue was and they told him that I would have to get off the plane in Suli. We agreed to get me through and catch the flight.

We waited about 20 minutes for the plane to be ready, I was one of four passengers. I went to the gift shop to look for possible souvenirs, shopping hadn’t been on the agenda, as a matter of fact, the gift shop at the airport was the only store I entered in Baghdad.

We were taken down about 20 steps and walked out to the plane. There was no one loading luggage, so I got up on the ladder and rearrange the luggage that the previous passengers had put in, so that my wheelchair wouldn’t get smashed. I had come off the plane in Jordan on the way in wheeling drunkenly because they had smashed my wheels. No one in Jordan could fix them so I kept listing to the right and on every roll one part of the wheel would rub against my side guard. Luckily they were able to fix them in Suli. Royal Jordanian sucks, but its the only option.

I asked Paul why the men at Passport control wouldn’t stamp me out. He said that they are supposed to honor Iraqi residency cards issued in Kurdistan, but he thought that they might have been Sadrists. “Why do you think they were Sadrists?” He told me that when the airport reopened a lot of Sadrists applied for jobs there and they basically control the airport jobs.

Arriving in Suli, all the passengers deplaned accept for me. The pilot came back and told me that she couldn’t take me into Jordan without being stamped out of the country. She asked me if I was willing to take responsibility for it. I told her yes. We sat on the ground for about 20 more minutes and then they came and got me off the plane. I was hopeful that I would be able to get back on since they let me leave my stuff on the plane. Thank God for the Kurds. They took me through the back door and stamped me out and I got on the plane and flew to Jordan.

I was exhausted. I went to the Irish Pub near the hotel ate dinner, had a glass of wine. I must have looked terrible, because they gave me a second glass of wine on the house. I returned to the hotel and tried to watch TV, but I fell asleep at 7:00 p.m.

Meeting with the ladies

Originally uploaded by The Toze

I woke up extra early so I would have plenty of time to apply make up and do my hair. Prior to the interview I had asked the Mercy Corps PR Guru in Portland about whether or not there would be hair and make-up stuff so that after I took off my headscarf I could do something with my fly away hair. NBC got a good chuckle out of that question. It appears that Ned Colt, the correspondent who interviewed me does not travel with a make-up bag or even a comb. I was surprised because NBC is the big leagues and when I had interned with Channel 2 in Reno, the male anchors carried bigger make-up bags than the women.

I wrote back defending myself with the excuse that if my hair looked like crap it would be the only thing my mother would comment on. Self-preservation. (Love you Mom!)

I spent an hour doing my hair and make-up, ate breakfast with Paul and Agron, who runs the IMC show in Baghdad and then our ride arrived. We headed downstairs and geared up in our 40 lbs. flak jackets and headed for the center for autism. On the way there we took an unexpected detour, because the road that we had planned to take was closed off – an IED had exploded. IED is an improvised explosive device not to be confused with an RIED a remote improvised explosive device and a million other acronyms for explosive devices, Andy the head of PEAK could rattle ‘em off, like the ABC’s but I couldn’t keep track of them all.

I was worried that we would be late and I wouldn’t have time to fix my hair and make-up or take off my Abaya, but the NBC crew ran into the same issue. We arrived at the center for autism and quickly moved from the car to the center and out of the street. We had exactly two hours to get the meeting done, the filming done and the interview done. The longer you stay in one place the more of a target you become.

My understanding is that there are three zones in Baghdad, the green zone that is also the IZ zone, the amber zone and the red zone. The green zone had recently been under mortar fire so we didn’t stay there. When I arrived at the center, the IADO contingency from Kurdistan was there, along with Moaffak head of IADO and several members from IADO who are in Baghdad including a sign language interpreter. There was a brief reception with refreshments, my good friend Rana, who is part of IADO’s management committee tried to feed me chocolate cake, but I didn’t want to be filmed with a giant piece of chocolate in my teeth so I politely declined. While we were in the office talking, NBC arrived and set up. I was meeting with women who have disabilities, to hear their stories, gain context and find out what their needs are. There were 13 women with all sorts of disabilities.

A young woman with Polio told about how she couldn’t finish school, because she was unwelcome there. As she talked about being rejected by her peers, tears rolled down her cheeks. She talked about the lack of services and equipment and snapped the broken hand rim on her wheelchair to underscore her point.

She is currently a beautician and we joked about how I could have used her help.

All of the women had incredible stories and had been through so much. Several of them had been injured by coalition forces. A young fifteen-year old girl had been sitting next to her father when mortar fire from the coalition forces blew him away and decimated her arm. She has had numerous surgeries, but it still hangs like a doll’s arm at her side. As she told her story her body shook and her eyes darted around as if being out in the open was dangerous. As she recounted what happened to her and remember in vivid detail the loss of here father tears streamed down her cheeks. She told us that her family couldn’t afford the rest of the surgeries that she needs. But her physical disability was the least of it; she had been truly traumatized by the experience.

Their stories reflected the issues that people with disabilities (PWDs) face all over the world, isolation, lack of infrastructure to support them, inaccessibility even to education, and discrimination based on their disability. In the Arab world, particularly among the uneducated, PWDs are viewed as cursed by God. As if they are being punished for something they or their families have done. This myth is predominately aimed at PWDs who are born with disabilities. I spoke with women who were blind, women who were deaf, amputees, women affected by polio, so far it seems that paralysis is less common in Iraq, but out of a population of 27.5 million it is estimated that 2 million are disabled and that probably doesn’t take into account the majority of mental disabilities, after the years of war I’m sure there is a huge number of people suffering from PSTD.

One of the most amazing things to me is that whenever the Iraqi National Staff refer to deaf people they refer to them as Deaf and Mute. And I keep telling them that just because you can’t hear doesn’t mean you can’t talk, but it doesn’t seem to be making a difference in their attitudes yet. They ask me questions like “How can they learn to speak, if they can’t hear.” Recently in selecting PWDs for a training that we are doing up North, one of my staff members, (we refer to them as focal points) selected two brothers who are deaf. I was looking for sign language interpreters and a focal point from another govt. asked me, “Do you really think we should include deaf people in the training?” “Why not?” I replied. “How can they advocate or fight for PWDs, when they can’t speak?” I said, “They can speak through an interpreter.” It was an amazing conversation for me, because I don’t really think of deaf people or even amputees as disabled. Yes they have disabilities, but in American society they integrate very well, particularly amputees.

What is notable about speaking with PWDs in Iraq is they always ask the question, “What can you do to help us?” And I always answer, “I’m going to help you learn how to help yourselves.” Minorities have to find their own voice no one can do it for them.

After hearing the women’s stories, the young kids at the autism center gave a performance, they sang the Iraqi National Anthem and gifts were presented by the Kurdistan Paralympic Committee and IADO the Iraqi Alliance of Disability Organizations that I helped create. While the performance was going on NBC was interviewing some of the women.

Then came my one on one with Ned. I told him that I was disappointed that he didn’t travel with a full hair and make-up entourage and we laughed about that, hell he didn’t even have a comb. He looked very tired. I can’t really remember what he asked me anymore, questions about why I did this type of work, what motivates me, do I think I can actually help PWDs in Iraq? And if I remember correctly the last question was, “Do you think what you are doing can make a difference for PWDs in Iraq?” “It’s not about whether or not I can make a difference it’s about them finding their voice and at the rate Iraq is going pretty soon there are going to be so many of us we are going to be able to take over,” I replied. Paul my country director said, “Cut that please.” And the cameraman I think his name was Steve burst out laughing. Other than that I think I did a pretty good job.

All in all we spent about two hours at the center. After the one on one interview I changed back into my Abaya, put on my headscarf, posed for a couple of pictures and then my fidgety security detail moved me out to the car. They don’t like to stay to long in one place and NBC had also come with security. Once in the car, they informed us that the area we were staying in was experiencing some gunfire so instead of going back to the IMC compound they were taking us to PEAK’s compound where we would hang out until it was safe to enter that part of the city again. We ended up being there all afternoon and just getting back to the IMC compound around 6:00 p.m.

Paul talked business with Andy the owner of PEAK and I relaxed on the couch. Because we were there so long PEAK even fed us. Andy ordered in chicken. All the men in the security detail were very respectful of me, including the Iraqis and I felt extremely safe the entire time I was there. On the day we arrived Alan had helped me suit up, not sure whether or not he is married or has kids, but he seemed to be more comfortable helping me get dressed in my flak jacket then Sean the next day. Sean had put my flak jacket on me and my scarf got caught and he had to pull it out. “This feels a bit awkward,” he commented. We both laughed.

It might seem strange to you that I felt safe surrounded by Iraqis with guns, but here is what I tell of my experience with the Iraqi people. I would say that 99% of Iraqis that I have met want peace. Although many express anger about the actions of the U.S. Army, how they have treated them, when you ask them if they want us to leave no one I have met says yes. The men that I work with are very protective of me as a woman and the women are lovely. Although the majority of Iraqi people are Muslim they don’t really talk about their faith at least not to me, but I can tell you that no Muslim as ever told me that I’m going to hell, on the other hand several Christians have. When I ask about wearing the Abaya and the headscarf the women I work with tell me that it is part of their faith and other women have said that the Abaya gives them status and respect. For me it’s not about whether or not they wear it, it’s about the choice of wearing it. On the other hand I’m not sure that fully veiled women should be allowed to drive, but maybe that’s because the only fully veiled women who I have seen behind the wheel are most likely Kuwaiti and Kuwaiti’s are the worst drivers in the world. From my experience and the statistics.

As for whether or not the U.S. should pull out of Iraq I think that should be up to the Iraqis. I feel like we have created a mess and now it is our responsibility to help clean it up.

I think what bothers me most about the Iraq/American relationship is that we keep or the media keeps a constant body count of the Americans who have died in Iraq, but where is the body count of the Iraqi’s who have died? Why isn’t that reported along with the American deaths? In 2008 alone, American will lose more people to intoxicated driving then they will probably ever lose in the occupation of Iraq, why aren’t Americans screaming about that? Why is it o.k. when Americans kill Americans senselessly, but not when Iraqi’s kill American’s senselessly?

After spending the afternoon lounging on the couch in the PEAK compound with Andy and Paul, I was returned safely to the IMC compound. I reported into Joy, our PR person in the states and let the gang in Kuwait know I was safe back in the compound. Ate dinner with the IMC gang and then watched a movie in the women’s side with Ana and Carrie. The movie was called gossip, but we sort of watched it, but we mainly talked. Ana had been in Baghdad about two months. Carrie was going on a year. We talked about work, personalities and the challenges we face. It was a fun, relaxing evening.

I was glad that I got to see Baghdad, I wish that Iraq was safe enough that I could work with my focal points on a daily basis and meet the people we work with, the groups and organizations, but its not, particularly in the South. The most difficult part of my job is the remote management. How do you motivate people when you aren’t there? It makes communication with the language barrier and the lack of face to face time difficult at best and sometimes impossible. It is an equation for misunderstandings and miscommunication. It also takes a lot longer to communicate. In addition, it is rare for an Iraqi to actually admit they don’t understand, I think that is part of the Arab culture, but a lot of times I think I have communicated something, but when the results come back it wasn’t what I communicated.

I hope to one day be able to communicate at least conversationally in Arabic.

Photos:

1. Rana and I speaking with ladies. Rana is a member of the IADO Mangem

ent Committee.

2. The Iraqi children singing the national anthem.

3. Guns on the table at the PEAK compound.

4. View from my window at IMC

5. Baghdad

Flak Jacket 1

Originally uploaded by The Toze

I was scheduled to meet with the management committee of the Iraqi Alliance of Disabled Organizations (IADO), which is headquartered in Baghdad and on the same time I was meeting with NBC Nightly News to be profiled for their “Making a Difference” segment.

I flew to North Iraq, Suli, to apply for Iraq residency, because otherwise a visa to Baghdad is around $750. I arrived in Suli on April 8 and left for Baghdad on April 10, I was escorted by my Country Director Paul. We were originally supposed to leave around 2:00 p.m. but the flight was delayed, we ended up leaving around 4:00 p.m. and traveled with a delegation from IADO, who were headed to Baghdad to participate in the National Day for the Disabled that was being put on by the ministry of Human Rights.

We arrived at the Baghdad airport and it seemed deserted except for the passengers from our flight. My wheelchair didn’t meet me at the gate, but I figured Baghdad with all its issues wasn’t the place to make a fuss, so I got in this rickety old chair, one of the hand rims was falling off and I was pushed by an old man who was almost as rickety as the chair.

We waited in the baggage claim area for about a ½ hour for our baggage, I really had to go to the bathroom, but the thought of trying to move in the beast of chair that I was trapped in, wasn’t worth the effort. My chair came off the plane in pieces and one of my wheels was the last piece off the plane. Once my chair was put together I hopped into it and booked for the bathroom, as I busted into the bathroom ignoring the man who was talking to me madly in Arabic. I did my business and then put on my Abaya and a voice came booming into the bathroom, “Tiana do you know you’re in the men’s room?” I didn’t, but I did now. So, I booked it over to the women’s room and finished putting on my headscarf.

Outside the baggage area our security detail was waiting for us. PEAK is made up of ex-British military and is run by a 33 former (I can’t remember what Andy told me, he may have been special forces). Alan and Sean met us. They took us out to a car, we went right by a bunch of Iraqi police or security and they had the doors of their autos open and were blasting music. It was like a parking lot party. They were Iraq’s finest and it shed light on some of the issues that the government is having with the police force.

Once at the car, we suited up, 40 lbs. flak jackets; I tried to put a helmet on, but the clip that was holding my headscarf got in the way. The helmet looked a little bit like the Nazi helmets from WWII. We drove out of the airport our driver armed with a pistol and the guy in the passenger seat with an unloaded model of a rapid-fire gun; it looked a little like an AK. No loaded weapons can be brought into the airport. At the check point a young kid, who looked barely old enough to shave, with US Army printed on his fatigues asked what the gun was and when he received the answer exclaimed “Rad.”

After passing through the airport we met up with our convoy and received an Iraqi driver. The security company is low profile, the cars are normal cars that have been reinforced with armor and are made to blend in and they train Iraqis as part of the security detail, as that also helps keep the low profile. The cars have cracks in the windshields, put there on purpose, and look like any car you might see on the street. This is the opposite approach of Blackwater that flies down the street in white SUVs, armed men sticking out the top and flashing lights. Frankly, I prefer the low-profile approach.

As we drove through the streets of Baghdad they seem strangely deserted. Hardly any shops were open. We were headed to the International Medical Corps compound, they were nice enough to let us stay with them.

We entered into the compound through a guarded gate and were greeted by guards at the entry to the building. Once inside the building we wouldn’t go outside until our meeting with NBC the next day.

The IMC crew was great, we had dinner that evening, the cook Maggie is Arab Christian and actually speaks the ancient language of Aramaic. She had lived and cooked in Paris and New York, Paul my country director said it would be the best meal in a compound that I would ever have, and it was good.

After dinner I embarrassed myself at their newly acquired pool table and then the IMC gang grilled me for my interview the next day. Ana who had been a reporter with the BBC was the best prep I could have had, she asked the tough questions and gave me a lot to think about and a lot of feedback. I crawled into bed around 1:00 p.m.